I still haven't found what i'm looking for
by AidenGK
Summary: [...] There was something else, hidden in the depths of Hiccup's heart, something that had been corroding him for countless months and whose burning seemed that would have never stopped. As time passed, Hiccup shut himself in more and more, unable to face the reality that he had stubbornly refused [Hiccstrid, R18]


_**CHAPTER ONE - PARADISE LOST**_

 _ **...  
**_

A year.

It had been a year, already. From the day it happened, Hiccup firmly believed that the duration of his days would have been unbearable. Instead, against all his expectations, he didn't even realize how the months had passed so fast. Numerous changes had occurred both in Berk - of which Hiccup had by then been recognized as a legitimate and undisputed leader - and on a personal level, mostly in his private life.

Unfortunately, not all the news was exactly positive; all the events the young Viking lived had marked him deeply. His behaviour was no longer the one that belonged to the innocent and – sometimes - little absent-minded boy, who just some time before was nothing but a novice with a dragon like Toothless; his soul was now marked for life, some of those were very simple scratches while others... well, they were actual scars that maybe not even the time could have ever healed completely.

He had to go through a lot, in recent times, maybe too much. Usually, an average twenty-one years old Viking had already faced countless challenges, certainly more than a hypothetical peer from another land. However, it was different for Hiccup, in a certain way. He reluctantly had found himself thrown into a world he didn't belong to and to which he hadn't even been initiated in any way: the chief one.

He hadn't the faintest idea of how to manage an entire tribe. His father was the true professional, in that.

All the improvements made to the village, immediately after his appointment as chief, had been almost all designed by his mother... or by Astrid. The latter was the true thinking mind. He was good with inventions, study, exploration, but he didn't feel even remotely ready to take the fate of his people in his own hands. A minimal mistake was enough to risk seeing Berk erased forever from the maps he himself designed.

But that was just the tip of the iceberg; a leader is always subjected to strong anxiety, especially during the first period of government. If his father was still alive, he would have explained him how the feelings of concern, fear and distress were totally normal and understandable and that they would have soon disappeared, like snow under the sun.

No... there was something else, hidden in the depths of Hiccup's heart, something that had been corroding him for countless months and whose burning seemed that would have never stopped. As time passed, Hiccup shut himself in more and more, unable to face the reality that he had stubbornly refused. And no one seemed certain about the true cause of his progressive mental deterioration, not even those closest to him. All the hypotheses, even the most bizarre, had been carefully examined, but the most ordinary and simple had been paradoxically discarded a priori.

It was the worst mistake they could have made.

... 

The first light of dawn had just begun to peep through the wooden windows of Hiccup and Astrid's house, the most majestic in Berk. The junior-chief of the tribe, that night as well as many others, hadn't even closed their eyes, if not for a few minutes. His body refused to let him rest and, in that way, the thoughts in his head had multiplied like the waves in a stormy sea.

Turning his head, he glanced briefly at Astrid, wrapped in the heavy blankets, with a blissful smile on her face, partially illuminated by the still-burning hearth in the middle of the room.

Hiccup sighed for the umpteenth time, as he had done over and over again during that night, with a thousand-yard stare on his face.

He felt his breath involuntarily accelerating with every passing second and a strange sense of tension made its way into his chest, like an unbridgeable sense of anxiety that he could calm just in one way...

Without making any noise, Hiccup pushed aside the blankets that had kept him warm until then and tried to get up. He was careful to be extremely circumspect and silent: the last thing he wanted was to be bombarded with questions and concerns from Astrid. He was making suffer the girl who, shortly thereafter, would have become his wife, but he didn't know how to remedy that situation, except in one way: temporarily moving away from her, from her mother... from everything and everyone.

He went to the next room, in order to take the wing suit, as well as his armour and his helmet. Nevertheless, he wore them only when he had crossed the threshold of their home. It would have been better if Astrid remained in a world where his worries couldn't reach her or influence her in any way. The ignited torches before the entrance were now basically useless: the amount of light was more than enough to guarantee good visibility. The horizon in front of him was tenuously dyed of some kind of orange, partly cleared by the great quantity of whitish clouds in the sky.

Toothless was a few steps from the entrance. Just like the companion of his knight, he was still asleep, and he would have kept resting for a couple of hours more, if it weren't for the affectionate caress on his head that immediately awoke him.

"Hey, sorry bud. I know it's early in the morning" Hiccup murmured, approaching his head to that of the dragon, supposing that even reptiles like him had a more advanced temporal conception than the simple night-day division.

"Would you... would you mind going for a ride to our usual place?" He murmured quietly, trying to show from his voice some kind of tranquillity that didn't really exist.

For his part, Toothless was not exactly happy for getting up that early or for the fact that it had become a real habit, by now. The sleepy verse that he emitted did nothing but revealing his opinion. What else could he do, though? Like everyone else in the village, he had realized - despite being "only" a dragon - that something in Hiccup was wrong. That was the only way he hoped he could be helpful to his friend. He would have endured another thousand of early wake-ups, albeit reluctantly, if there was even the slightest hope of improvement for the boy.

Once mounted on Toothless' back, Hiccup put his feet in the stirrups and he tied the leather strap of his helmet. After a few seconds, the Night Fury took off at full speed, helped by the support for its tail which had been enhanced after his fight with 'Alpha.

That morning, the air was particularly cold and it aggressively pinched every millimetre of his skin that wasn't covered by his armour or helmet.

That feeling, similar to the sting of some thin needles, had however some kind of soothing effect on Hiccup: it was one of the few things that made him understand that he was still aware of the reality around him. Only during those brief flight sessions, he could actually clear his mind.

Berk, behind him, grew smaller and smaller, until it disappeared, covered by the dim sea mist that swallowed the whole archipelago like a creepy ghostly embrace.

Toothless had memorized the path they had to follow, every tiny rock in the middle of the sea represented a unique reference point and the Night Fury was already used to take advantage of them to orient himself.

Twenty minutes of flight was what separated Hiccup's native island from that place, a real jealously guarded secret. The young viking had never told anyone about that island. Not that he ever needed to, though: no one had ever found out his "disappearances", so no justification had ever been given consequently.

There was no living soul in the village to suspect something.

It was a totally insignificant place even for those who might have ventured around there: it was nothing more than a rather small islet covered entirely with impregnable conifers and bushes. The perfect place to hide something, that had been Hiccup's thought when he first glimpsed it, during a warm morning of the previous summer.

The real secret, however, was hidden in the middle of the forest. Not even Toothless was allowed to go there. Before disappearing into the woods, the request the boy made to his dragon was always the same: he wanted him to wait for him right there. And the Night Fury obeyed. He always obeyed, but every time his rider emerged from the forest, Hiccup looked more and more dejected and sad.

"Why do you keep wanting to come here, for gods' sake? Do you enjoy hurting yourself?" Toothless thought once, during their flight back to Berk. He didn't really know what to think; some time before he would have been the first to find out what was going on, but his knight didn't look like the one he'd made friends with a few years before anymore.

As usual, once they landed on that remote island, the Night Fury was thanked with a warm rub on the forehead. However, after that gesture, the black dragon gave a concerned gaze to his knight.

"It's all right, buddy... really" Hiccup forcefully smiled at him, pulling off his helmet and placing it on the ground near Toothless. The dragon didn't insist, grumbling softly in response. Curling up on the small grassy space under him, Toothless kept his eyes fixed on Hiccup, who was about to disappear among the thick trunks of pines that finally swallowed up him like the jaws of a giant monster.

"Maybe this time it will be different" Toothless thought, gazing at the rising sun.

... 

That idiot. That bloody idiot. He always had to get into trouble. But now she was tired of all that. That situation had been going on for far too long. She had to get to the bottom of that, at any cost.

... 

The accuracy of each stroke was admirable. Every single hammer-blow cut a perfect line in the stone. He would have never thought he had been able to create a similar work without any help, but now it was practically over. His fingers, dirtied with that rough reddish painting, were covered with a thin layer of dust coming from the stone, as to testify the commitment that he put into the realization of that project.

Around him there was only the wind whistling among the branches and the needles of the pines. Far away, he could also hear the crashing of the waves against the rocky cliff of the island.

For all that time, Hiccup sculpted and engraved. And then he painted. And, after that, he repeated that procedure over and over.

Everything had been going on for days. Weeks. Months.

That was the only way that could really distract him from the extreme pressure given by his new role and from the guilt towards Stoick's death. He had to stay away from everything and everyone, he desperately needed the company of nobody but his thoughts, the wind, the cold and his memories. Perhaps this was the only thing that prevented an potential emotional breakdown.

And there he was, working feverishly on something that only nature would have contemplated over the centuries. It would have been a secret between him and his father. Certainly he was staring at his son from Valhalla, with his unmistakable fair air, surrounded by all the leaders who had lived before him. And that made Hiccup feel a bit less alone. Tet, deep inside, he knew that those sentiments were only momentarily set aside. Once out of that forest, in fact, they returned to the charge as valkyries, even more ruthless than before. And his strengths were running out, but temporary relief is better than no relief at all.

Finally the last rune was carefully covered with a layer of red paint, making it easy to read for anyone, even though no one would ever have had that privilege.

Hiccup took a few slow steps back, admiring in all its glory that rock, which was finally decorated in full. The wind hadn't stopped blowing yet, and his hair was ruffled by a burst that messed up his brown-reddish fringe, as a shiver ran swiftly along his spine.

"Here it is, Dad..." He muttered almost imperceptibly to himself, staring to all the incisions with his eyes and then gazing at an undefined spot in the greyish sky above him, as if he was looking for Stoick's thick, coppery beard. hidden among those menacing clouds.

But he wasn't there.

Only a few, blunt words were enough to break that sort of trance in a brutal way, bringing him back down to earth.

"Hiccup, what the hell is wrong with you?" A rather familiar female voice asked, in a blaming tone. The boy couldn't understand how she had managed to find him, but at that moment that was the less important detail. His secret had been compromised... and even the last place where he could find some kind of peace, far from the whole world, had been irremediably desecrated.

"Go away, Astrid, you shouldn't be here," Hiccup replied without turning or moving a muscle, genuinely annoyed by the presence of that blonde girl, a few feet behind him.

"Well, but I'm here! And I won't go away until I have an explanation of... everything" Astrid replied, taking a few steps forward and then stopping, staring at the nape of the young viking who wasn't willing to do anything except standing there like a statue.

"What's this _everything_ you're talking about, Astrid?" Hiccup sighed exasperated, unable to accept the definitive end of his temporary break from the past. Clenching his fists, he repeated "What is it? What do you want from me?"

"What do you mean? I'm not here to get something from you!" Astrid exclaimed, offended by that insinuation. Did he really think that she flew all the way over there for some personal profit?

"And for what then, uh? To ruin the only peaceful moment I can have? to forbid me to take my space? To discover every single secret of mine?" Hiccup added. His breath had become oddly deep, as if he were holding back from doing something

"Hiccup, I don't..." Astrid tried to reply, but her words were nipped in the bud.

"You don't... what, Astrid? My mother has your same apprehensive attitude as well, you never leave me be... why you behave like that?! I've already told you thousands of times: I'm fine!"

Classic words to say in those circumstances, that's what they were, but in those moments Hiccup would have lied about anyone and anything, if that meant to be left alone.

The fair-haired girl took a deep breath and then she answered as honest as possible. That boy in front of her wasn't that Hiccup she had fallen madly in love with.

"Alright, you want to know why we are so concerned for you? The reason is simple: because we love you, you idiot! Are you aware of everything you've been doing in these months? "

"Evidently I'm not! What would I've done that was so terrible?!" Hiccup exclaimed, by now emotionally altered.

"I don't even know where to start from, let's see... you've shut yourself in, you keep talking back not only to me but even to your mother, who long time ago would have given anything to get back to you, you've been spending whole days in bed, sometimes you don't even eat for days... "Astrid took a deep pause, then exclaimed four words that in the head of the brown-haired Viking resounded with the same force of an echo in a cave.

"You're walking away from us, Hiccup!"

Every point of that list struck the boy deeply in his soul with the same force of an axe stuck in a one hundred years old oak. He had always wanted to avoid scenes like that and until then he had always managed to, although he was firmly convinced that he was able, in case of need, to deal with such a situation. Actually, he had overestimated his strength and by then he found himself in the eye of the storm. That was when he realized how fragile he really was.

Meanwhile, Astrid had taken another step toward him; if she had stretched out her arms, she could have embraced the boy from behind, but Hiccup noticed her proximity and he moved away as soon as he realized how close she was, heading slowly towards the stone and placing a hand on its rough and uneven surface.

"I... I'm not ready, Astrid, and nobody seems willing to accept it," Hiccup said, struggling not to reveal the flickering tone of his voice. The young woman, for her part, didn't understand what he was referring to. She really couldn't interpret his words correctly and she couldn't even perceive the fear contained in them.

"For what, you're doing..." She tried to say, before being stopped for the second time. And that last interruption wouldn't have been as peaceful as the previous one.

"A good job, Astrid? Do you think a leader who can't take a damned initiative of his own free will is a good leader? Do you think that making decisions only on other people's proposals is 'doing a good job'? All the so-called improvements in Berk have happened only and exclusively thanks to you, to my mother or to someone else, I'm not suitable for being a leader! "Hiccup shouted, unable to control his emotions for a second longer, exploding with the same force as an erupting volcano.

Astrid, frightened by that unexpected reaction, took a few steps back. She didn't seriously believe that the one he loved would have really been able to hurt her, it was instinct to guide her legs, but that gesture didn't escape Hiccup's attention.

"Oh, perfect ... and now you're afraid of me, I've killed my father and I'm scaring my future wife. What could be better?" The young man laughed hysterically, turning and pressing his forehead against his forearm, leaning against the rock. The laughter continued for a few seconds, until it mixed with a cry full of anger and despair. He had sworn to himself that he would have never let himself be seen in those conditions and he had just broken this oath.

That feeling of anger towards his person kept growing and it reached a point beyond which it couldn't longer be simply poured out with those tears that were coming down silently along his cheeks partially covered with freckles.

He almost didn't notice that he had hit the hard surface of the chiselled stone, which until then had been a real support in every sense. A second blow followed that first shot. And another. And many others after those. Yet, despite the extreme violence contained in those punches, he didn't feel any pain in his hand, although it wasn't protected by the reinforced gloves that he normally used during the flight with Toothless, who was currently guarding his gear, far away from there. All around Hiccup seemed clouded and confused, like some sort of nightmare. He was alone with his anger, his contempt, his guilt...

Astrid felt like she was paralyzed, by seeing her boyfriend raging so heavily against that makeshift target. Her light blue eyes couldn't help but stare that so unusual violent gesture She had never seen her boyfriend like that. Her mouth was partly opened, the expression on her face was halfway between terror and disbelief. She had never witnessed anything like that, outside of a battle, where the only goal is to get their hides home safely. But nobody was threatening Hiccup's life, except Hiccup himself. Maybe she should…

There was no time to ponder. She would have thought later about the consequences of her actions.

With a lightning quick gesture, she seized Hiccup's arm, exerting all the weight on it, imprisoning it in a thight grip in order to prevent him from striking again. The chief tribe tried to move the girl with his few remaining energies, but suddenly a stabbing pain crossed the hand used to strike in a first moment, then, after a few seconds, it extended all along the arm as well.

"Stop it, Hiccup, calm down, please..." Astrid said in a reassuring but determined tone. His boyfriend was still trying in vain to wriggle away, but all his vitality seemed to have vanished into thin air. Yet the tears had not yet ceased to come down his cheeks.

"C'mon, stop..." She repeated to his partner, trying to hold his arm immobile. After another couple of attempts, he was forced to give up and only then Astrid decided to let him go.

Leaning back against the huge boulder, Hiccup slid down to the ground, panting heavily because of fatigue, adrenaline, sobs and who knows what else.

His green eyes moistened by tears sparkled like two emeralds directly struck by the light of midday and on other occasions Astrid would have found a way to make irony on them too.

But not that day.

The sobs hadn't ceased yet. Hiccup had started crying aloud, like if that urge to let himself go had been denied for too much. Fortunately, he didn't have to face all that by himself.

His viking-girl, the one he would have chosen as his companion for the rest of his days, sat down beside him, gently hugging his head and making him almost lie down in her arms despite the impressive height that Hiccup could boast. She could feel every single tear dampen her new purple coat, but she didn't mind.

Leaning her cheek against the top of Hiccup's head, Astrid began to caress a few strands of her chestnut-brown hair with great delicacy, like if she was guided by maternal affection. That gestured continued for some minutes minutes, until Hiccup had no longer any tear to be shed. His bloodshot eyes were the clear proof of how much he needed to let off steam and especially for how long he had denied this right to himself.

"Better?" Astrid asked, in a whisper, once she was sure that things had settled down again, even if just momentarily. Such a behaviour wasn't like her, but she certainly couldn't abandon him to his fate.  
Initially, Hiccup didn't answer directly; he merely nodded his head, a gesture that the blond haired girl, nonetheless, managed to perceive.

"Maybe I just needed this... to vent, I mean..." Hiccup muttered after a few minutes of complete silence, then he added "This and... I do not know, to know that someone really cared for me"

At that point Astrid almost took umbrage.

"This is what you really think? Seriously? The fact that at home we were all worried about your behaviour doesn't mean anything, to you? I mean… it should make you understand that someone who cared – and who currently cares - has always been there for you"

Hiccup wiped his cheek with the back of his wounded hand, ignoring the stabbing pain that he felt.

"You're right, sorry... I'm still agitated and what's worse is that I don't know what the problem is"

Astrid took a deep breath, before answering with as much frankness as possible.

"Your problem is that you're too scared, fear keeps you alive, of course, but if you get dominated by it, it's all over. What would have happened if the fear had taken control of you, when you found Toothless? Maybe today we wouldn't be having this conversation. If you let terror subjugate you right now, with your new charge as Berk's chief... well, it's the end. My end, yours, the end of Berk... of everything we know"

The girl took a little break, then she continued "See... what I'm trying to tell you is that you're not alone in all this, you have many responsibilities but there's a whole village full of people willing to help you. You don't have to do everything on your own... We are here, Hiccup. We won't leave you to your fate, so don't leave us to ours"

"We're here" Hiccup repeated, nodding a couple of times. He had been a real idiot, why didn't he realize it before? The only justification he had was that with just his own strength he would have never managed to comprehend it, not in that psychological condition he found himself in for a year.

Astrid's intervention had been necessary, if not providential. His fears and doubts had certainly not vanished, yet at least he had something to hold on to.

Something to start from.

"Having said that, now let's take care of this" Astrid murmured, lightly exposing Hiccup's hand, that had been covered by his dark green sleeve in the meantime.

...

 **Hello everyone! First of all, I want to thank everyone who's reading these notes and, obviously, who had the patience to read all the chapter. I know that sometimes isn't easy to read something that look like a wall of text, so thank you all ^^**

 **The story of this fan fiction is… particular, so to speak: I planned it to be a One Shot, however I was forced to divide it into two separated parts, as ten thousand words are really TOO much to read at once, at least in my opinion.**

 **I must also make a small premise: my native language isn't English (I'm Italian), even if I've been studying it since elementary school. I have been dealing with this language for years and I have done my better with translation. However, in the text there might be some errors of various kinds (I apologize in advance for this). If you find any grammar or syntactic mistake, feel free to correct me in the comments ^^"**

 **Apart from this, I hope you enjoyed this looooong introduction, the next chapter will be ... not really suitable for minors, so to speak, so stay tuned ^^**

 **See you soon**

 **GK**


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